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Why My Gloves So Smelly

April 13, 2017

Recently, I've had the honour of conversing with le big boss Chocolate, and in the midst of our conversation, we spoke about our gloves. Chocolate lamented that her gloves, presently and historically, seem to have an issue of BO, as if the gloves is going through puberty. I hear ze big boss's rant with intent, but deep inside, I thank the holy powers up there that I do not have such problems with my own gloves.

Le Big Boss Choco then casually asked me what methods do I know to keep the gloves fresh. I have no idea, I don't particularly "maintain" my gloves, because they don't smell. But I figured I better research and give her a report before my job ends up in jeopardy. Oh and plus, I've recently just received my shiny new, fresh pair of CLETO REYES (THANK YOU ONYX, THANK YOU MUAYTHAISGSHOP.COM), so you can see how I am organically vested to know as well. I'm sure you all do too.

 

So I sat down at my desk, popped up my computer and typed "how do I keep my gloves fresh", and many of these inter-web thingy come up. The ones that seems to work, according to the many anonymous people out there are these:

 

1. Airing out your gloves

 

Air-drying your gloves seems to be the most effective, IF your gloves isn't already smelly like rotten cabbage. If it is already smelly like the backyard of a restaurant, then you may forget it. It ain't gonna change anything.

 

2. Anti-bacterial spray

 

If your gloves smell worse than your dog's poo currently, but for some unknown reason, perhaps sentimental, you don't really want to throw them away, you can then pray for a miracle to happen, that maybe someday your gloves will go back to smelling fresh. While you're praying, it would be wise to at least make sure there are no mushrooms growing inside the gloves, but spray some anti-bacterial shit within. Typical sprays like Febreze will do. If you're feeling adventurous, there's the Dettol spray too. If you're feeling suicidal, try Shieldtox or Baygon insecticides. 

 

3. Stuffings

 

For those who's mad into DIY and lifehacks, this is for you. Apparently, you can take a pair of socks, filled with charcoal, cedar chips, or any drying agents, and then stuff the stuffed socks into the gloves as a moisture trap. Use clean socks, not dirty ones. But to what extent does this method work... I'm not so sure, because Chocolate also has some moisture absorb thing that she uses for her gloves, but oh my, it sure didn't work. 

 

4. Freezer (WTF!?)

 

One of the weirdest thing I found, possibly on reddit forums, is to leave your gloves in the freezer overnight. It apparently, kills the bacteria within. I have not tried this, and I will not try this. Plus, there's also a risk of turning your freezer compartment into a frozen rubbish chute. 

 

5. Avoid sharing

 

The bane of all who fears smelly gloves, is this. Under normal circumstances, most of us who have our own gloves do not share. But if you ever do, it's a bad bad move. This is the reason why the Onyx government gloves smell like that too, even though I've seen how the Onyx Ops Crew painstakingly sanitise, sun, and air the gloves with all sorts of chemicals. The reasoning is simple, imagine your own sweat to be a slimy green goo. Then imagine another person's sweat to be a brownish slime. What do you get when you mix them together? A sewer.

 

6. Buy a new pair

 

Hanging onto your precious pair of gloves that's smelly beyond hope is like a clingy ex-boyfriend that refuses to admit that the love has long gone. Do the right thing; throw it away, and get a new pair. Before long, you'd break into your gloves and it'll be that comfortable pair of mitts that you once loved. Don't hold onto things that's already rotten. 

 

So there you go, solid consumer advice from me to you, while I figure out how to solve the Big Boss's smelly gloves issue. To be honest, just like how we usually don't smell our own odour, the smell on our own gloves is usually tolerable. At the basics of it, don't share your gloves, and regularly air them, and it'd actually make a difference cumulatively. You know what they say, a little care goes a long way.

 

UNLESS YOU ARE CHOCOLATE.

 

Trust me, that pair of mittens you call gloves that she uses is like a pair of cloth that's been soaked in drain water, and then dipped in shit. And it's not like she's a unhygienic person; she never shares her gloves, she has these moisture trap sachets inside, and she airs them everyday. But it did nothing to elevate the smelly situation. And it's not just her gloves, her shinguards as well. When the Onyx Ops Crew threw away her last pair of shinguards, it was like handling nuclear waste.

 

I guess she really needs a miracle.

 

 

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